#Should I stay or should I go?#

9 May

*edit to previous post, but was longer then expected*

If there is a reason to stay, maybe even more then for my friends, its for MillionsKnives. I just couldnt bare to have his name wiped from the face of Vanadiel, for him to never be seen again, for people to forget the name ‘MillionsKnives’. Weird how the game attaches us to our characters so much, or is that just me?

I have deep feelings for Mill as if he were my brother. Seeing him grow and deciding the path he’ll take in life, getting better at his job, gaining new sheek gear, slowly maturing and occasionally saving the world :P makes me care for him. It makes Mill real to me. When I look at pictures of him I smile with pride thinking about all we’ve been through. The tall elvaan who with his white hair in a pony tail is the only person in Vana’diel for me.

Other people seem to be much less attached, but I wonder what they really feel for their character. Spen says his character looks boring (which is true) and wishes he could pick another. Gary quit his old level 75 Pld to level a Taru Blm. I just cant see how they can think and do things like that.

When I log on as Chibimoon (my sisters old character) I feel sad, all the things Chibi has done and the memories made with her, lost. She was Livijas first companion in Vanadiel and now shes resigned to be a mule. A year ago when Livija made Datsuki we talked about how Id quickly PL her to 60 (my level at the time) and then the world would be our oyster. We’d farm together, camp NMs, party, do missions and quests. That really was a key element in keeping my playing at the time, I was looking forward to it, as its a bitch to do these things normally. However despite my nagging Livija never got off her ass and levelled up. Now looking at my feelings for Mill I can see why Livija never really got back into the game when she made Datsuki. Me and Livija should have both started over together when she got a separate account. Didnt seem like a great idea at the time though.

That really was a key reason why I played FFXI, for what me and Livija could do. But it never happened like I said, since then I’ve been playing for the sake of it, out of habbit or to take my mind off things. Which maybe altered my perspective of the game, taking away some of its magic for me. Now game issues and keeping myself entertained come to the forefront. I guess that happens when you’ve got to level 75 and been playing for a while anyway.

The game is broken, its no secret XD. So many things wrong that frustrate me and ruin the experience. SE is a distant figure who just take our money and run. Not to mention that anything in-game takes twice as long to do as it should do. I’ve been playing FFXI less and less in the past few months, but still played it allot. Its only been 9 days since I cancelled my account and I’m amazed what life is like without it. Only 9 days and theres such a noticeable difference. So much free time!

I do crazy things like go outside and see my friends! I even really wanna go on a bikeride o.O

Before I got the game just over two years ago I knew that every night after school Spen & Wes would be coming round to my house at 6pm or Id be round at theirs. Thats how life was and I liked it. FFXI butted in tho and for the past two years it seems like I hardly see anyone. Admittedly my own doing but doesn’t help three people I know play it!. Things change etc though dont they. I dont think me and Spen would willingly be around each other that much any more, but recently I’ve seen allot of Wesley, Lee, Ben and Hustwick and I really like it. Feels like old times kinda.

Im sick of people playing computer games. I ask spen to come out and he’ll be on FFXI or SSBB, who needs to leave the house to see people when you can talk to them over the net? In contrast Trebor is willing to come round to my house at 10pm to see me and socialise face to face! Theyre diffo people and I have different relationships with them, but the latter is how things should be! It actually shocked me that Trebor would come out at that time, which is kinda sad when I’m 18! lol. I guess everyone’s different and maybe the people I tend to swing towards are either lazy or just dont care for me as much, but I feel a major element is Trebor isnt bound by shitty games. He makes the most of life xD We could die tomorrow, we should be making the most of the people we know rather then the pixels we know.

I want my life to be back like it was xD knowing when I get home from college l’ll be seeing a friend at 6pm. Maybe I’m just stuck in the mentality of a child, but that seems how things should be. I’ve just got swept up in MMORPG addiction.

I don’t think I could ever play another MMORPG, FFXI is my one shot at the genre, and I’ve enjoyed/enjoy FFXI allot. I wouldnt play another one like WoW because I love FFXI. Id never settle into a new game, I’d always be comparing my character to Mill. Also, when FFXI does end for me, I want to be free of online games forever. I wont fall into the trap again…

Maybe now is the time for it to end. I fly off to university in 4ish months which is kinda deadline for FFXI to end anyway, but I dont want to waste away this summer on a game.

The word ‘maybe’ was used. Not making any sweeping statements, because maybe I do need FFXI to kill time occasionally, plus I often enjoy the game. Tbh I’m not sure I have enough friends to entertain me constantly now, lots are at Uni, a few have 24/7 jobs or I’m just not close enough to them any more.

FFXI is a part of me and my life. However it has somewhat trampled on my life to get its place. >_>’;


The reasons Id stay are; to talk to friends I couldn’t see off the game and because I’d hate to see my two years of hard work spent on Mill be hammered into oblivion by a delete key. Are those two reasons really valid enough to stay? No. At least the second isn’t, despite being so important to me, the longer I stay the more time that’s up against the Delete Key.

Barthezz is the future Mill. He’s really put things into perspective. 427 days playtime on Barthezz to my 135 days on Millions. Much like Chibimoon and Barthezz, Mill will one day become some ones mule. Memories stored in the character gone to waste. Is it a waste? Its ok if it was fun while it lasted? Should stop before my playtime reaches 400+ days? Only to then give those days away.

135 days, I could be fluent in Japanese by now had I spent that time on a language class. But I guess that wouldn’t be entertaining would it?

I’m really confused right now >_< which is insane because this is just a game! :( Everything points to my time in FFXI should come to an end and its not making me smile inside. It’s sad I can have this much of a debate over a game~ people may think ‘Oh just play less you fool!’ but I’m not really sure I could, because to do what I do in FFXI to have fun at least three nights a week are needed. Three full nights, not just a few hours here and there. Also I’m probably not strong enough to resist its lure if I have an active account, rather then try and do things I know l’ll just end up loggin on ffxi…

Cant stop thinking of this pic for some reason, maybe because its the first pic I have of barthezz not being barthezz:

arg. D: *emo wrists* lol


8 Responses to “#Should I stay or should I go?#”

  1. garciewaffles May 9, 2008 at 8:45 am #

    When I first transferred Garcian over to Hades his name was taken and I had to give him a new one; that may not really seem like a big deal but when I was standing in my MH, looking at him and his new name, I got a little choked. : x

    For me, it was a visual representation of the fact that I had left everything that was Garcian behind on Shiva. I basically feel the same way Livija does about Chibi now. There is certainly a part of you that loses enthusiasm for playing the game when seeing your main character means all but nothing to you.

    Point is; to me, the *real* Garcian was deleted and it stung for a long time. But once that sting subsides you pretty much stop caring in a good way (if that makes sense? o_O). With my new character I feel that I can take or leave FFXI now. Maybe it will be the same for you if you take a break for a few months.

    It feels kinda sad saying it but I think taking a break from the game really helps you gain perspective about what is important in life. I could never go back to playing the way I did and I think taking a break from the game and, moreover, meeting Livija did that to me. In fact, I feel pretty forking stupid for having dedicated so much of my time and effort into it now that I realise I could have had so much more IRL.

    I used to say that I just could not understand how or why people could leave their main characters behind to make a new one. “How could they possibly just push all of those memories to one side?! I’ll never do that with Garcian. He means too much to me. I’ll quit before making a new character.” *rolls eyes*

    It also used to bother me when people used to take a break, then come back on the shell and did the whole, “Oh, I stopped playing and now my life’s awesome~!” crap. It felt patronising and belittling when I’m sitting there enjoying the game but I can kind of see where they were coming from now. @_@ But, then again, that’s the beauty of hindsight.

    I still enjoy the game and I really feel like I owe FFXI a lot. If I didn’t play I wouldn’t have met you, Spen, Lee, Wes, Izzy, Jo-bear or Dave etc. I wouldn’t have been to California to meet my shellmates or Sheffield to make new friends. But the thing that scares me most of all is the thought of not meeting Livija and being where I am now. For that, I really do owe FF a great deal. : x

    I guess the irony is, now – because of that -, I look at my character and recognise him as a bunch of pixels even though he’s given me so much. But, one thing’s for sure, my life is a lot better for it.

  2. sylbianna May 9, 2008 at 9:19 pm #

    “Video games” (though even the word in our society is usually seen as childish and silly) are, without doubt, a mastermind and epic, unparalleled way in our world of expressing one of the most common, if not the absolute most, repeating action through mouth and mind in humanity besides surviving; and that’s storytelling. Though I say that with a little too much confidence, and some people may say “yeah, and your point is” to that. But I’ll say this…..in relation to it all:

    I started playing FFXI for many reasons, when I first bought the game at the store it was after watching a little, well, actually, very large history of the Final Fantasy Series that a website did called the “Final Fantasy Retrospective”. After watching it piece by piece, as well as title by title, I realised that, even though I always knew, that FFXI was the only game of the series I had never really played, never really experienced. Never really *dived* into that world. Though I have to say the real main reason what drove me, is that I would have never played FFXI, ever, if I didn’t know Livija. I’ve played lots of games before, of course, not just MMORPGs; a lot of my life is really “wasted” on all of them, but I have to say with each game I really felt like it was a large impact on my life. Not only in the people I met, but the stories I experienced as well. It’s as if reading a book, to me wasting time on FFXI is almost as if wasting time reading countless volumes of Sylbianna’s adventures in Vana’diel, though however scratchy they may be. But it’s not only that as well, you grow attached to the world just as you do through reading, but moreso, it’s that you experience it through a game, through control….which is much different than experiencing it through just words or film in motion alone.

    I was drawn into FFXI for the story exposure and experience of the world of Vana’diel, but I played because I knew Livija, and even though I knew her for months before actually playing, I knew I’d have some wonderful experiences with her friends, and, as well as the new friends I was about to meet. What I did not expect, however, was to become so deeply engrossed in it.

    Final Fantasy XI is an MMORPG as well as game really unlike any other I have ever played, and probably, I can safely say, very different from other MMORPGs, as well. It is not unusual for any MMORPG, too, to become attached to the character that you become in role of through the game, as well as the world that they inhabit. I feel the same way about Sylbianna and Mercedes (yes, and Mercedes, too).

    What I think almost everyone doesn’t think about when starting to play is the process of quitting and also when and how to do so. The world that you play through is almost like the real one, just instead of actually living through it, you see it in a very limited, tinted window. Lots of people say it’s just a game, but it’s really much more than that. It’s a different kind of game, it would be almost the same, as saying “it’s just a book, stop reading it and crying about it”, but really, no one would ever dare say that about books if they had read one that they became attached to in their life time. Stories are one of the most deep and emotionally impacting, uplifting, hope-bringing, love-expressing things in our lives and world, and FFXI is just another way of telling that through control and experience instead of just observation. It is just that, however, FFXI is another way of telling a story. Through experience, just like real life. There is no binding, no cover, yet there is a first page…..but never a last, until you write in the words yourself.

    Which, in part, is not an easy thing to do, really…..

    If you do decide to leave, I will miss you a whole lot, Aram. Though of course we’ll still be friends, I’d suspect ^-^ but I do have to say, I will miss seeing you on. I still remember the first day I met you, I actually remember the place I stood in San d’Oria when Livija came and gave me a pearl, and I still remember us /telling each other about ourselves and things. It’s those kind of memories that we cling on to and always are frightened we may one day lose them when we quit the game, servers shut down, etc. For me, if I decided to quit, I would still have my account active if I ever wanted to go back…..personally, though I’m saying this as someone who is still active in the game, I would never be able to press the delete key on Sylbianna, Mercedes and Salsa. I just really wouldn’t be able to. But it is your choice, what makes you happy, and also what life you want to lead. Everyone has dreams, and you’ve spoken to me about university and things. There are breaks, there are times when people quit for months but come back occassionaly. What I’d mainly suggest is follow the life you want to live, and if you think FFXI is getting in the way of that, then I think only you know the answer to how to deal with what obstructs your dreams.

    “What ever makes you happy.” and I’m not saying that in a cold way, I wish I could use emoticons because I feel so serious and impersonal but XHTML doesn’t let me *cries* ugh….but…..


    I’ll miss you lots if you leave, you’re special to me and an rad mate, but more than so much I just want my friends to be happy, live the lives they want to and are meant to, and still be able to dream.

    I really hope all of this made sense….I hope it didn’t sound like I was talking about my self too much *blush/angry* I’m really sorry, but I’ll support you in ways that will make you happy and will always be rooting for you!

  3. Ophenix May 9, 2008 at 11:43 pm #

    You don’t want another wall of text now do you?
    Mill, we love you ^^ Stay.
    There is a blance to life. You will learn it at some point ^^
    I’v been on FFXI for 4 years (reducing the half a year I spent away) and I have less to show for it then you. Rdm70, Blu61 and afew jobs in the lower ends.
    On the other hand I finished over 50 books, trained on my rollering skills, took on coaching a 8 y/o, went on studying in the univercity, managed an active social and love life.
    You learn to balance things. I keep telling my self that if it were not FFXI then I’d be watching bad Anime or playing the PS2.
    The mind needs a relaxation, somthing to distract you and yet not be a completly mindless activity (e.g. passivly starting at australian soap opers on TV). This is FFXI for me.
    You should look for your own, sane, non destructive definition of FFXI.

  4. Weissberv May 10, 2008 at 2:58 pm #

    Heh, if u go, i’d miss you alot, aswell as everyone else, u were like the guy that made me laugh my ass off each night on msn, xD but uhm, yeah i’d miss u loads if go, but its ur decicion if u leave. i too have “feelings” for Weissberv, mainly cause i’ve had some wacky times on him… but tbh if you quit now, you can just think back how great the memories were and all the fun you had. For me, i’ve tried to quit numerious times, but my feelings to my onlines friends on ffxi pulled me back onto it. i know how u feel if you just kill ur character just like that, all those memories aren’t gone as such, but if you wanted to look back on, to remmeber all the things you did, you woudln’t be able to because in this case “millionsknives” wouldn’t exsist anymore. If Weissberv was deleted, i deffinatly wouldn’t play anymore, it not only has taken me 4 yrs to get to lvl 60, but all those good and bad times i’ve had on it make the game priceless to me.. now and again. my bro comes in the room and sometimes says “playing that crappy game again?” or “y do u play such shit games” and i don’t reply because he obviously doesn’t know what i’ve done or acheived on it. my first friend on ffxi, Maduim, he was awsome i mean, we did everything together, a few months later he got a job as a bartender… i never saw him again, but he is one of the main reasons y i keep playing… because i remmeber the good times on the game i’ve had, and i’ll know i’ll have some more good ones later on… The linkshell which u made has been the biggest point in my ffxi life, mainly becasue of all the friendly and happy ppl on there, but also they care for everyone in it, i feel like i know everyone irl who is on the linkshell, and that is y i won’t quit, but ur reason for wanting to quit is to be with more social friends, thats ur choice totally, but don’t forget what u’ve done and all those platimnum memories.

  5. millionsknives May 10, 2008 at 6:36 pm #

    just saying thank you for the comments, its really nice that you all took the time to type that out~ getting feedback helps allot.

    I’m to sleepy to reply properly right now ^_^; but I will do later!

  6. Datsuki May 13, 2008 at 2:49 pm #

    i know i could just go say this to you but eh im gonna type it. i think its about finding whats really important. is there any NEED for you to quit? not really. if you dont want to do work, you wont do it. if you cant be arsed to see your friends, you wont go. the grass is always greener, know what i mean? i did lose alot when i stopped playing as chibi and the game lost alot of its ‘appeal’ but in another sense im alot happier with how i play now. it honestly doesnt effect me when people tell me to get on the game or level up – that used to really bother me, felt like i HAD to go do it. i know i dont have to now and i just play when i REALLY feel like it – i never, ever randomly come on and do nothing. at the end of the day it is a game and i play for fun. pimp gear is just data and pixels, and although its cool to own, to me, its not worth sitting infront of a screen with idiots riling at you. i just do it when i feel like it, otherwise there isnt any point. really, i only play to do stuff with gary because i find that the most fun. but i dont really feel the need to be the best at everything or the richest – so long as im a nice player and play the jobs well, i think thats whats important. and to be honest, thats what there is a lack of in this game. you really dont need an all or nothing attitude.

  7. Katella May 13, 2008 at 10:01 pm #

    Just wanted to say that I recently quit FFXI as well. I totally understand the attachment to your character. I think the reason for the attachment is that the character is a little piece of you. I will always love my little taru Katella.

    As silly or stupid as it sounds its true. Over the past couple of years, she allowed me to meet some really great people, and I had some real fun times, and I will always be grateful. She was an extension of me, let loose in a world where I could freely explore, and some much needed stress relief when the world was a little hard to deal with.

    But, the choice had to be made, and health costs > game, so I canceled my account, not deleting her, because I couldn’t bear to do that. SE will do it in time I’m sure, but I couldn’t.

    I tried playing another, but I’m quickly discovering that nothing will ever take FFXI’s place, so maybe its an end to gaming in general.

    Time to Live now! You don’t have to forget, but there comes a time for everyone to move on. I wish you the very best!
    Take Care!

    forever a taru in a human disguise…

  8. millionsknives May 19, 2008 at 12:05 am #

    Thanks all for the comments, they’ve been really helpful in deciding what to do.

    For now, I’m not quitting. I still dont really plan to play much which isnt a bad thing. For now CoP/Static will be all l’ll log onto FFXI for. If I static it wont be for more then 1 or 2 times a week too. 8 hours a week is what i want to be spending maximum on FFXI. l’ll time that too!

    Ive got things in perspective I think (also i got all the sims 2, entertaining!) and I just played too much. Like livija says, theres nothing to gain for killing mill atm, I just need to balance things out.

    One thing Ive always thought came to mind in a convo with gary a lil while ago; ‘I wont quit ffxi till i finish CoP. It would be silly to play for 2 years without getting through the games story!’ – which is true.

    Whats helpful is that Lee is playing FFXI less, our group seems to get together more which is motivating me to get off my comp.

    @ Katella: Woah what?! Howd I miss the post where you said you quit ffxi!? I thought Rappelz was just a side quest hahah. Its unfortunate you had to quit FFXI for the reasons you did but in time maybe you’ll see where FFXI falls short to Rappelz.

    ty for the posts!

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