Psychosis aftermath – my thoughts 1

22 Nov

When I was ill, I was told to write things in my head down to resolve the issue. I used to just do this on paper but I’ve since stopped. However in the past year I find myself rethinking issues over and over, so I’m starting it up again. I thought I may as well blog it. Maybe someone out there will get something from it, or someone will have some input for me!

Since these posts will be my train of thought, they might be quite tangent filled and fleeting. The random pictures are just stuff to break up the wall-o-text. And for music to break up the wall-o-silence I’m listening to:


Lets’a Go

I don’t feel like going into backstory too much right now, so l’ll just let wiki give some context for what was wrong.

“Psychosis means abnormal condition of the mind, and is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a “loss of contact with reality“. People suffering from psychosis are described as psychotic. Psychosis is given to the more severe forms of psychiatric disorder, during which hallucinations and delusions and impaired insight may occur.

People experiencing psychosis may report hallucinations or delusional beliefs, and may exhibit personality changes and thought disorder. Depending on its severity, this may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction and impairment in carrying out daily life activities.”

Which pretty much describes me in late 2009 and early 2010. I had several sessions of Cognative Therepy and huzzah, I’m a functioning person again! But recovering from it and my reflection on events is taking longer than I’d have imagined. I tend to worry, or be interested in, what’s ‘normal’ and if I’m ‘normal’.

I guess the main thing that sticks in my head is how it could happen to me so rapidly and that with almost the flick of a switch my mind could be turned to mush – which makes me feel pretty insecure about how solid the human psyche is. In a positive aspect I learnt through therapy that I can just as easily fix my mind by controlling my outlook on life and making sure I think in certain ways, which I’d call ‘guides’ on how I should think.

Me trying Beans for the first time in years. I lost most of my sense of taste after my recovery or things just tasted different. Now food tastes normal again - I'm not sure if thats because my old sense of taste slowly came back or I've just gotten used to my new one! Whatever the case, Beans are not as bad as I remember!

The worry comes from, what happens if I let little things slip from my ‘guides’. One thing I’m not allowed to do is think in extremes. Though saying that as an absolute is breaking my guide – ha! So l’ll rephrase; One thing I should try to not do is think in extremes (black and white thinking). In my opinions there must be more than just loved or hate, good or bad. I have to see the shades of grey; like, dislike, enjoy or ‘not fond of’ etc.

But occasionally I do say ‘I hate that’, more often I find myself wanting to say ‘I love that!’. I almost always notice before or after I’ve said it, and correct myself – as I just did in the paragraph above.

The worry I mentioned before is if I didn’t correct myself those times I think in an extreme, would it really be that easy for me to fall into a psychosis again? Am I fixed for good or will my mind always be so fragile that I could slip into it again?


A Mercedes ad I have saved

I think by myself I’m pretty good at remembering to try and not think in extremes. People around me have no restraint though since they don’t really need to limit themselves. Many people I know use the words ‘hate’ and ‘love’ so freely it sometimes feels like they may be eroding my barrier against it. What if I get too accustomed to the idea of extremes since everyone around me is so trigger happy with them?

I can’t control other peoples ways and thoughts though so I just have to deal with it. I guess the fact I’m aware and notice they use extremes of thought is good, as it shows I haven’t forgotten my ‘training’? (I have no idea how to refer to my therapy or what its tought me, training will do :P)

I do genuinely think peoples lives would be better if they also didn’t think in extremes, even if they’re ‘normal’, so I generally as a friend say they shouldn’t use those words! But I don’t expect them to change seriously since they have no desperate need to do so.

What specific Psychosis?

One of the issues with my psychosis is I was never given a specific diagnosis as to what was wrong with me. “Psychosis” is all I got because the medical community at the moment (apparently) doesn’t like to label patients illnesses, as each person is different and so shouldn’t be grouped under one illness banner. Which is fine and dandy but for me personally I feel like it leaves a gap in my understanding and feeling of completeness at the situation? Psychosis is such a broad term, and to say to someone ‘oh I was psychotic in my second year of uni’, firstly, of doesn’t really give much explanation or frame of reference as to what was specifically wrong with me and second, before I was ill I thought a psychotic person was someone who killed people because they were crazy. So I don’t like to use that term in case anyone else thinks that – ha! So I find myself just saying I was ‘ill’ or I have to say I was crazy for a while and list what happened.

One of my favorite scenes in Evangelion. In the past few months I've allowed myself to start watching Evangelion again after finding out it played a part in my Psychosis.

Someone who was depressed and can just say ‘oh yeh, I was depressed’. You instantly have a point of reference to understand what they went though, what the likely symptoms were, how it effected them etc. I don’t have that easy frame of reference at the moment. I also want to be given the name of an illness that a group of people have suffered, so I feel like I belong. So I’d know what happened wasn’t just to me. It’s something known about and documented – I’m not a one off basket case.

Being under the banner of a specific illness would allow me to look up a wikipedia page and read about its history, chance of re-occuring and how the patients generally fare when they’re older. Instead I feel like I’m flying blindly into each next day with no reassurances that l’ll likely be ‘normal’ for the rest of my life. I trawl wikipedia reading articles about illnesses that sound like what I went though trying and assign myself to a group. But the truth is I have no idea what it was and reading a wiki page doesn’t help.

I want this nightlight!

Tonight I’ve somehow got onto the ‘Personal Boundaries’ page which lead to ‘Dependent Personality Disorder’ page; “This personality disorder is a long-term (chronic) condition in which people depend too much on others to meet their emotional and physical needs”, that sounded perhaps promising at first but reading on it doesn’t fit at all. Which is a good thing since that particular illness is chronic.

So another night where I’m none the wiser :P


Best of the Music, 2010.

5 Feb

(Apologies if you tried to view this yesterday – wordpress published it as blank and the backup was only half done -_- … So here it is written again.)

Music time! 2010 had quite a few good songs, it didn’t live up to 2009 in terms of club music, but there were some gems. I don’t know the in’s and out’s of the music scene, so my description may amount to ‘I like this’. But anyways, without further ado and in no particular order, here’s a few of my 2010 favorites;

Life Stream

By Tim And Sam’s Tim And The Sam Band With Tim And Sam

During the summer solstice day I came across Tim And Sam’s Tim And The Sam Band With Tim And Sam Band. At the time me and some friends were messing about making wands in an attempt to celebrate the summer solstice in the most pagan way we could think of. I decided to find some music to fit the freaky hippy theme, so typed ‘Summer Solstice’ into Spotify. It went through some batshit music, which is what I wanted really~ But one song stood out as it actually sounded awesome; ‘Summer Solstice’ by Tim and Sam. A few months after discovering that single, Tim and Sam released their first album, Life Stream.

The album features relaxing, ambient instrumental tracks, however about two or three have vocals. I’ve read Tim and Sam are classed in the Nu-Folk genre, but that means nothing to me. My personal favorites are Summer Solstice, One Day Like This and Coming Home. The songs make me smile and realise how good life really is. I find myself admiring the wind blowing leaves and thinking over happy memories. It just really chills me out~

They’re pretty much an unknown band, so I’m doing my best to spread the word! If you find yourself on a day with a clear sky, stick the album on, relax and see what you think :)

The Tim and Sam website, which has some tracks to listen to, click here!

Teenage Dream

By Katy Perry

Firework is mint. There’s probably other songs on this album, I dunno, I forget, but have you heard Firework? Its mint.

Ok, ok, the song is not perfect. I take a small issue with implying a plastic bag would want to ‘start again’ when it’s ‘drifting through the wind’, those lyrics leave a bit to be desired… but even that cannot quell my love of this song! It’s very nearly my song of 2010. Firework is so easy to sing along too and makes anyone want to get on the dancefloor :3 It’s Perry’s personal favorite, so I hope we’ll hear more in it’s style. Other highlights are (obviously) Teenage Dream and California Gurls.

We no speak Americano

By Yolanda Be Cool

No, I’m not joking.

It may just be one song, but We No Speak Americano makes it onto my list as it will always remind me of some awesome club times in 2010. When I first heard this song, I thought my friend had requested it as a joke haha, and I remember it seemed to go on for forever – but I think that was just because I was so tired and it requires constant jumping along too @_@! It’s an awesome beaty, crazy sounding song that makes you want to get up and dance. Plus it’s funny sounding, always a bonus. 10/10!


By Kylie Minouge

A big Kylie fag here, I’m going to see her in a few months which will be aweeeesome. Aphrodite did lack a certain something, it’s perhaps too generic now people have heard Gaga, but its still a good album. Kylie always manages to write music that makes you feel active and want to get up and seize the day – plus she’s like the nicest person ever <3. What really made this album appear on my list is Get Outta My Way. I listened to that a helluva lot over summer while riding my bike or jogging, it makes you want to go twice as fast~! It’s a really good song with nice energy, it should have done better then it did. Other catchy tracks include All The Lovers and Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love Tonight).


By Lady Gaga

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, ehhh. I really like this song. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, ehhh, ehhh.

The Fame Monster was 2009, but Telephone was released as a single in 2010, so I’m stuffing it into my list. Firework would be my tune of 2010 were it not for Lady Gaga’s Telephone. There’s nothing bad about this song and if you don’t like or know why this song is awesum, where have you been?! In Turkey!?

Protip: Discover hours of drunken fun by replacing the word ‘Telephone’ with other forms of communication, such as ‘Faxing’ and ‘Carrier Pidgeon-ing’.

Won’t Go Quietly

By Example

Who doesn’t like Kickstarts? Nazi’s! That’s who! Are you Nazi?

Example has slightly different sound compared to what I normally go for, it’s perhaps a bit more… harsh sounding? Not really sure how to describe it. A little more ‘in your face’ sounding? Again, it’s music that makes you want to jump. A first for my list though, Kickstarts actually makes me a little sad – dunno why – but it’s still a great song. Other noteworthy tunes include Won’t Go Quietly and Last Ones Standing. I only discovered they were all sung by the same person in Autumn, which was a pleasant surprise XD


Looking forward to 2011:

Gaga’s new single!

Best Song of 2010:

Telephone by Lady Gaga

How the fuck did that get UK number 1 award:

The Time (Dirty Bit) by The Black Eyed Peas

Best song I discovered that was released before 2010:

Flux by Bloc Party

This time ten years ago ‘Best of the Musics, 2000′:

Oops… I Did It Again by Britney Spears,

It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy,

Spinning Around by Kylie Minouge,

Yellow by Coldplay

Best of the Games, 2010.

23 Jan

I’m jumping on the reflection bandwagon! Each post over the next few days will detail a different category, with about five items that stood out for me in 2010.

Today… Games! I haven’t played or bought a wide variety of games in the past five years, mainly due to Final Fantasy XI being all I needed, a lack of time, money, interest, appealing games and not owning a PS3 or 360. But 2010 was the start of my gap year, meaning a job for monies and more spare time. After getting Steam in November I now have a massive amount of games to play and can hopefully catch up on the past few years!

As I said I don’t own a PS3 or 360 so I’ve not been able to play games such as Red Dead Redemption or Heavy rain, which look awesome and are scooping loads of awards. But here is what I have enjoyed in 2010~

Mass Effect 2

This game is amazing. Plain and simple.

I’ve played Mass Effect 1 & 2 for the first time this year, back to back. Mass Effect 1 disappointed me somewhat. Everything lacked detail and depth which made the universe never feel real, and in consequence the experience was somewhat hollow and lackluster. Also the core story amounted to ‘I dunno lololol’, which while it made me laugh, it wasn’t in a good way!

Mass Effect 2 however is the opposite of my little ME1 review. The amount of money spent on it is obvious, it oozes style. We see the gritty side of the Milky Way in places like Omega and the Citadel Wards, giving the universe depth. The setting and artwork has been nudged heavily towards Bladerunner, and it’s really payed off. I stand in places like Illium and Omega looking out over the landscape in awe. Story and Cutscene direction has improved to no end, I literally tensed up and squealed in parts.  ME2 lets the main storyline take a backseat to the stories of your crew, which means by the ending mission you feel attached to everyone and desperately want them to survive – you know who you’re fighting for. The whole thing was a blockbuster experience :D Go play it if you haven’t!

I wish they’d make models of the Normandy ): It’d look awesome on my shelf.

Fallout: New Vegas

l’ll start by saying Fallout 3 is one of my favorite games ever, so New Vegas has a lot to live up to. I’m a newfag to the Fallout series, starting at 3, as I imagine most people playing New Vegas did. Unfortunately, rather then embracing Bethesda’s restyled setting for the series created in Fallout 3, Obsidian Entertainment are stuck in Fallout 1 & 2, which hampered me from sinking into the world of New Vegas. I believe that why it hasn’t got the acclaim Fallout 3 did.

Despite that, New Vegas is a very good game. One of my favorite things about Fallout is how there’s never a black and white, sometimes an evil option must be taken for good to pass. It’s a true morality system, unlike the one featured in the Mass Effect series – where the good option lets you succeed and the bad lets you kill stuff. The shades of gray in Fallout: New Vegas are why I enjoy it so much. I’m still yet to finish the game however!

Civilization V

Risk for the PS1 is also one of my favorite games evar and I think of Civ V as a 2010 version of that game. I’m a newfag to this series too, so the rants of the Civ IV fanbase are over my head and all I see in Civ V is mintness! I’ll admit I’m not a fan of the game in one player mode, too much time investment for a ‘you win’ screen haha, but in multiplayer with friends Civ V shines. Battle is like a lovely chess match, and the option to avoid battle altogether and still take over the world blows my little Risk based mind! Civ V is a great (long) strategy game that brings out my immense desire to win!

Wii Party

Simple, stupid and shit… but great for a drinking game! Party Phil is welcome at any party of mine!

Many of the games in Wii Party amount to *pure* luck. If I played this game sober I would rage as I’d feel cheated all the time, but in a drinking situation its hilarious! A must try for any alcoholic gamer.




Looking forward to 2011:

Mass Effect 3!

Game I played most this year:

Super Smash Bros: Brawl

This time ten years ago ‘Best of the Games, 2000′:

The Sims (1)

Mario Tennis 64

1 reason why FFXIV rocks. 99 reasons why FFXIV sucks.

8 Nov

One reason Final Fantasy XIV rocks

Reason One: My character, Pepsi Max, looks awesome.

MillionsKnives for the new age! He’s perfect, just how I imagined MillionsKnives in Final Fantasy XI!

Ninety-nine reasons Final Fantasy XIV sucks

Reason Ninety-nine:  Market Wards.

Reason Ninety-eight: Zones. I was promised a seamless world.

Reason Ninety-seven: Ok, the titles a lie, I’m not going to list 99 reasons. Life’s too short, innit?

I’ve played Final Fantasy XIV in the Alpha, Closed Beta, Open Beta and release. Has it improved over those many phases and months?


Not at all.

In fact, it has perhaps gotten slightly worse in a few key areas. We lost Inventory sort, we were handed the Fatigue system and many, many more disappointments!  Sure, we’re getting things like the inventory sort in late November, but should a such a minor (yet major) thing like this really be a massive draw to the first patch? It should have been there from the get go, and we should be looking forward to new content in the first patch.

The ‘freedom’ the game provides is my issue. Mainly, the freedom is restricted, which by definition means there’s no real freedom…

Freedom that cancels out:

  • Change classes on the go to level whatever, wherever! =/= Surplus system limiting EXPing on a job.
  • Build your character however you want! =/= As long as it mixes other job traits. If you just want an Archer with Archer traits, you’ll have nothing else to do for a while as Surplus stops you!
  • Customise your characters stats! =/= Harsh caps on each stat means you’re basically forced to create a balanced character anyway.
  • No rigid party set up or ‘required’ sub-jobs means you don’t have to level jobs you don’t like! =/= But surplus means you can’t just level the job you like.
  • Custom UI interface =/= Many elements not movable, ultimately meaning most don’t have another position to be moved into.
  • Guildleves lasting 30 mins allow casual play for whenever you have time! =/= Restricted to 36 hour intervals. So your only spare time in the week better not fall in two days either side of each other.
  • Teleports on every character with the Anima system allow fast freedom of movement =/= Crawling Anima regen speed means every teleport has to be debated, either making you not go places or end up just running there anyway.

The game is a major disappointment, points 99 & 98 are just two massive reasons as to why I think so.

It’s not total doom and goom though. I have had fun in Final Fantasy XIV. Once my Linkshell (which has some great people in!) did a few Guildleves together and it was pretty good fun! However, the reason Final Fantasy XI fell apart for me was so many of my friends didn’t play any more, or the ones that did we could never all get online at the same time – you normally need 6 people of course.

While playing these Guildleves with twelve friends from my Linkshell, I couldn’t help but think… If I had twelve friends like this available on a whim in Final Fantasy XI, I’d be having more fun doing group events like Nyzul or Salvage in that game then I am in Final Fantasy XIV now.

So even when I do have fun in XIV, I realise I could have more fun in XI given the same circumstances… which really means theres little reason to play, save for using it as a costly MSN Messenger…

Some people I know who play, such as my sister, believe the game will get better and many issues will be fixed. No doubt some will be and the game will improve over time, but this is Square Enix we’re talking about. They haven’t even attempted to fix Skillchaining or Black Mage in Final Fantasy XI after years. With a past record of examples like that, I do not understand how people have faith in the game. Blind faith. In my sisters case especially, after the damage to Black Mage ruined her time in FFXI. How can people play knowing that important, core elements of the game could get broken (on top of what is at the moment) and never be fixed?

I could rant all day about FFXIV, likely getting to ninety-nine reasons not to play, so I will stop now. I was really looking forward to exploring a new world with old and new peeps, but my optimism at SE’s early interviews, where they lied about seamless worlds, freedom to do whatever, and no EXP griding (remember that?) made the kick in the balls all the worse.  I may try FFXIV at PS3 release, but I’m not sure I want to get stuck into a game that Square Enix leads. After they’ve recouped the lost subscriptions from release, I’m sure they’ll go back to their old ways of not listening to player concerns. After all, FFXIV surely shows us they don’t learn from past mistakes – it repeats all of XI’s.

Moving on to FFXIV – With Hot Chocolate in my vains

19 Sep

The Hot Chocolate Corps is a linkshell organised by some of my friends from FFXI, a few of whom were frequently mentioned on this blog. Anyone reading this is welcome to join! We’re headed to Lindblum, if you’d like to know any more heres a copy of our leaders recruitment statement~ (Its actually a parody of this thread for the Equinox LS on BG forums, since we can’t fathom why anyone would want to play like that!)

Bonsoir and the like, RdmRules readers

Hot Chocolate Corps is a hardcore social linkshell based on the Lindblum server that aims to set new standards in the field of socialising.

We’re looking to recruit only the most lovely people in existence. The ideal applicant would be a fun loving player who shares our view that making friends – hardcore social friends – is as enjoyable as progressing in-game.

I needn’t ask if you’re interested, so let’s get on with it.

We expect you to be online at some point, I suppose, but goodness knows that when you are online you best be doing whatever the hell you want. We understand that you may want to grind most of the time, and that’s cool, but if we’re all ruffling up squirrels and the like every hour of the mother loving day, how are we supposed to find the time to complement each other’s hairstyles?

Think about that.

Our friendship schedule isn’t exclusive to any particular time zone, although you should be advised that we often enjoy getting messed up on hot chocolate in the reals and then sleeping it off; but you’ll most likely find someone online who’s prepared to listen to you warble on about how awesome you are, if you’re into that. Goodness knows I am!

We also have a bit of a military theme going on or some such nonsense so look forward to that. ‘-‘

If you’ve made it to this point without drowning in a pool of your own vitriol, and you’re ready to experience camaraderie the likes of which your insipid little eyes have yet to witness during your time here on planet earth, then realign your internet experience to this word, separated by full stops:

Thanks for reading; unless this is the first line of the post you’ve read. In which case, what’s that about? I thought you were cool.

End message. (`- ´)>

Millions picture~ Numero Un

23 Aug

A colour version of the sketch used in my header~

Remember rule 1?

21 Aug

If you haven’t committed all the RDM rules to memory, l’ll remind you…

August the 13th 2007. That day RdmRules first saw the light of the intwebs and bestowed its premier nugget of gold:

“Rule 1. Keep the look Snazzy, make sure your feather is clean and your gear matches!”

I still firmly follow that rule, as does my blog! Now, RdmRules doesn’t have a feather to clean, nor does it have a selection of gloves and boots to mix and match, but I’ve done the next best thing~ a HTML makeover!

Hold your applause, please – You readers are worth it ;P It’s part of my promise made back in January to make-over this place, and get up all the screenies I’ve not posted (stay tuned for that!). I forgot to take a screenshot before I started messing around, which is kinda lame, and I forgive anyone who cant remember what RdmRules looked like before anyway. Sufficed to say it was blue, which always annoyed me as I’m not a Blue Mage, not in 9001 years! As a tribute to the passed theme that served this blog for nearly three years, here lies ye olde header for posterity~

For anyone wondering :3 the pictures in the new header are some MillionsKnives sketches I did last year at uni~